August 2010

August already. In 15 days Harley will start his senior year AGAIN. the kid needs to buckle down and graduate or I will lose my mind again.

July was great. I started with a new company at the detention center. More work but I love it it keeps me busy. The first wek of July Ken came to Ohio and spent a wonderful week with me and his brother's family. We had a really nice time and got to know each other even better.

In a few weeks he's coming again and we have special plans for the weekend..........just me and him. My heart has melted and I have deep feelings for him. Real feelings . He makes me feel special and very happy. It's nice to feel again.

McKenna got a job at the Cascade auto group,she likes it so far.

The wedding plans are coming along ....al we have to figure out now is the menu.

I can't believe my baby is getting married. I'm old. I'm going to get a new chain for my necklace and let her wear her dad down the aisle. That way other than Papa daddy will also be walking her down.

After 2 years we are finally feeling like our little tin can is home. I've done the best that I can to make it into my own place. It's small but cozy.

I owe a great deal to Vivian and Kevin for being there for me and for introducing me to Ken. I haven't been this happy in a long time. Everyone has noticed the change in me also , I guess that is a good thing LOL.

I had my one tattoo fixed and it looks a lot better with more color and accents added and I also got one on my back ....a junkyard dog. It has special meaning.

harley got a few more tattos, another music symbol on his arm and notes on his knuckles, not too thrilled with the knuckles but what can I do?

This weekend is the Lifebanc walk, I'm not going. I know I should to honor Denny but it's also time to start letting him rest in peace. It's not good for me to dwell on the fact that he's gone anymore. He would want me to move on with living and thats just what I am doing.

He would like Ken.

The only setbacks are that Denny's family has all but cut off the kids, I don't care about me but they are his kids and have done nothing to deserve being treated like this.

sami is sending invites to some of his family to show she is the bigger person in all of this. It will be interesting to see how this turns out. Hell the wedding is right down the street from the grandparents. Oh well.

Well that's all I have for now.

Been a while since I've written

Damn .
I am a bad blogger . LOL

I see it was almost one year ago I wrote.
A hell of a lot has happened since then.

I met 2 losers on an on-line dating site. The first one was a thief and the second one was a married thief. No more of that bullshit for me. I wasted 7 months of my life with the second one. I never thought he was married. WRONG.
So I blocked him from my phone and my life.

Harley didn't graduate from high school. That's ok. He will be returning and doing better. I feel like a failure though. I feel like I failed as a parent and failed Denny.

All of those feelings and what Scott( loser 2) put me thru and refusing to grieve for D had me go through a little mental breakdown. I spent a week in the hospital and 3 months in intensive counselling. I was diagnosed with depression( DUH) post traumatic stress disorder- due to the way D died and other factors, and anxiety.

Since then I have moved ahead ---notice I didn't say move on ---I'm moving forward with my life.

My best friend and sister from a different mother has set me up with her husbands brother. Let me tell you something, this man is the sweetest man I have met. We talk, laugh and just enjoy each other.

In 9 days (7/2/10) he will be here in Ohio for one week , his vacation but he is also coming to spend it with me. We will really get to know each other better during that time. He makes me feel really good. Makes me feel special. Makes me feel desired. I like that, really like that.

Sami and Shortround are getting married in October. We found a gorgeous dress at the Goodwill. Thanks D for introducing me to that store ions ago, I can't get enough of thrifting.

I started back to school. YES...me in school. I know right ?! LOL
I'm doing good right now I have a B average. Mostly for bullshit...life experience bullshit. I need a degree for that? LOL I will have something to fall back on.

I will be starting with a new company, same job and same juvie jail, in July. Should be interesting to say the least.


I have started purging things I was holding on to . I got rid of the sofa he died on. It wasn't healthy for me to keep it. I know that now. I know he would want me to move ahead with my life and not sit in a funk as I have been or make the rotten descions I made with the men I chose. I know he would like Ken. I do. I really do like him bunches.
I think this one is gonna work. He will be the last man I ever give my heart, soul and self too.

Can't think of anything else to ramble on about right now.

I promise oh lonely blog of mine I will return more often and update you on my life.

All my love to you all~jax

made it thru the year anniversary

i made it thru the year anniversary.

barely.

we had a graduation/memorial party for kenna & denny on the 17th. it was really nice. a ton of food,friends family.

the clouds started to roll in before the 3 pm balloon release. i know it was him , big jackass.

everyone went outside, got the ir balloons ready & a gorgeous majestic single hawk flew over the small crowd.

a little lightning a lot of thunder.

rocketman was playing as we let the balloons go for denny.

it was very cleansing. i cried.

after that it poured. like i said jackass. it was like he was there raining on our little parade. jackass.

disclaimer* jackass is said with all the love in my heart. that was what i called him most of the time.

you see the sun was out for hours beofre the relase, then it rained, then it was gorgeous about an hour later.

jackass.

i'm going to my 25th class reunion in a few weeks. august 8th . should be interesting. i haven't seen nor heard from any of these people since graduation. i thought i was invisible back then. i've been told that's not true.

we may be getting family tattoos in the next few weeks. a friend of mine knows a guy who did beautiful work for her . she's going to put me in touch with him . tattoo party here we come.
i want a celtic moon with stars bracelet, sami wants an ankh on her foot. kenna wants the word daddy with the y shaped into a heart, the boy wants a music melody on his arm. i think the melody will be all of our initials, well except mine there is no j note.



well that is the update for the end of this tumultuous year of ours. a new 365 days is starting.
thank you all for the love & support. i may not say it but i appreciate it all.

~jax

15 days

15 days.

last year at this time i only had you for 15 more days.

not fair.

we were having some great times then. getting so much closer than we already were . it was like i could crawl inside you or you inside me & we would be one.

not fair.

nightmares have started.

i hear a siren i remember vividly the ride in the emt unit. looking back at them doing compressions on you then turning away to vomit.

i see life flight every once in a while as i have a smoke......yea yea i know you hated me smoking i quit for 20 odd years then this shit happens.....come & yell at me then i'll quit again otherwise shut up....

life flight in the early morning hours when i get to work , hear the chopper going over to city hospital all i can think of is someone lost a loved one & maybe they are picking up an organ.

then i vomit.

i can't sleep. i haven't slept in that bed since you died. i can't. i sleep in my chair or on the sofa. the same sofa you died on. i feel closer to you there. then i see you slumped over, making that noise, blue.....

hell denny i miss you.

i hate my life.

i don't think i'll make it through these next few weeks. i really don't.

i need you here to hug me, comfort me, hold me.

but your not. reality shoved that up my ass.

i love you big d .

so it's raining.

harley is going to the ellet community festival with leah.

kenna is already there with doug.

sami & shortround went to moms for dinner.

me?

maybe just maybe i can get somethings done around here without the brats around. i'm tired & my jaw hurts though so i just think i'll flip the laundry , take a shower & chill.

doubt if anything good is on to rot my brain tonite. i do have the first season of beauty & the beast from netflix so maybe vincent will kepp me company tonite.

i called about joining a widows support group. they meet the first wednesday of every month. i won't get to go in june since that will be the day kenna graduates. i am making a point to go in july.

slowly getting over my fear of people. notice i said slowly.


this group isn't a bunch of grey haired fuddy duddies . they're people my age either up or down a few years.

should be interesting.

almost 10 months

sadness is in my heart right now.

may.
next week starts senior week for kenna. a recognition ceremony on monday, senior breakfast tuesday. her 18th birthday on friday.

prom is the 30th.

graduation june 3rd.

only thing missing is you big man.

everyone at work noticed i had been crying today. they knew why.
it wasn't because of my tooth. that's better now that it's gone.

it was because of everything your missing.

mom is keeping close tabs on me. she is so far up my ass she should be able to see out of my own eyes.

i'm on the verge of a breakdown but i'm pretty good at pretending to hold it together.

i just want to crawl in a hole & hide right now.


had a will written up on wednesday. now i'm an official grown up.

you know me i don't ever do anything like i'm supposed to. i march to a different drummer , always have.

after you died now i am doing things that we should have done years ago.

a lady told me today that she doesn't know how i do it. i'm strong & admirable to her.
she told me that if anything like this happened to her , she'd never cope like i have. i told her i have to do what i have to do because no one else can or will.


i'm weak.

i don't feel strong.
i'm on auto pilot. that's all. just existing .

a shell of who you knew me as .

i can't tell people all of this babe because i don't want to be a downer all the time. so i pretend that i'm going along just peachy . when in fact i'm slowly dying inside myself.

my smile? fake.
my tone? fake.
my life? fake.

i miss you.

10 months.

Easter 2009

easter sunday ....4/12/2009.

i went to your moms house today. she almost made me cry. she had a big bowl of colored eggs. i thought of you immediately. i know how much you loved to do that with the kids.

i guess your mom had been crying yesterday & today. she really is missing you. i cry a lot too .

i started taking medicine to help me quit smoking. i was going to give myself until july , to see how i can get through that month. but i'm doing this for you. i need you here like the last time i quit but i know you can't be. at least come into my dreams to let me know that i'll be ok.

mckenna took odie along with us. i'm sure you know that ginger had to be put down, i remember telling you about it on one of my nightly talks to you. well your dad didn't want to be around any animals for w ahile. then one day i took that little shit odie over . he won your dad in a heartbeat.

so today your dad was his old self for a minute. he deviled that poor little dog like you would have, he carried him around, he just took a shine to him.

sis called while we were over there. she told me how sad your mom had been. i guess judy was having a hard time today also.

let me tell you big guy......you are so sorely missed. you touched so many people in your life that everywhere i go someone knows you.

i'm so glad to have had the short time with you that i did. i wasn't finished with you but i knwo we will find eachother again as we have in the past. only next time please don't let me do this again. if it was this hard the last time i do not want to do it the next time.

well sweetheart, i'm going to go watch our sunday ight line up. i try to keep some things the same , you know you can't teach an old dog new tricks LOL.

I love you now & forever,
jacki