August 2010

August already. In 15 days Harley will start his senior year AGAIN. the kid needs to buckle down and graduate or I will lose my mind again.

July was great. I started with a new company at the detention center. More work but I love it it keeps me busy. The first wek of July Ken came to Ohio and spent a wonderful week with me and his brother's family. We had a really nice time and got to know each other even better.

In a few weeks he's coming again and we have special plans for the weekend..........just me and him. My heart has melted and I have deep feelings for him. Real feelings . He makes me feel special and very happy. It's nice to feel again.

McKenna got a job at the Cascade auto group,she likes it so far.

The wedding plans are coming along ....al we have to figure out now is the menu.

I can't believe my baby is getting married. I'm old. I'm going to get a new chain for my necklace and let her wear her dad down the aisle. That way other than Papa daddy will also be walking her down.

After 2 years we are finally feeling like our little tin can is home. I've done the best that I can to make it into my own place. It's small but cozy.

I owe a great deal to Vivian and Kevin for being there for me and for introducing me to Ken. I haven't been this happy in a long time. Everyone has noticed the change in me also , I guess that is a good thing LOL.

I had my one tattoo fixed and it looks a lot better with more color and accents added and I also got one on my back ....a junkyard dog. It has special meaning.

harley got a few more tattos, another music symbol on his arm and notes on his knuckles, not too thrilled with the knuckles but what can I do?

This weekend is the Lifebanc walk, I'm not going. I know I should to honor Denny but it's also time to start letting him rest in peace. It's not good for me to dwell on the fact that he's gone anymore. He would want me to move on with living and thats just what I am doing.

He would like Ken.

The only setbacks are that Denny's family has all but cut off the kids, I don't care about me but they are his kids and have done nothing to deserve being treated like this.

sami is sending invites to some of his family to show she is the bigger person in all of this. It will be interesting to see how this turns out. Hell the wedding is right down the street from the grandparents. Oh well.

Well that's all I have for now.

Been a while since I've written

Damn .
I am a bad blogger . LOL

I see it was almost one year ago I wrote.
A hell of a lot has happened since then.

I met 2 losers on an on-line dating site. The first one was a thief and the second one was a married thief. No more of that bullshit for me. I wasted 7 months of my life with the second one. I never thought he was married. WRONG.
So I blocked him from my phone and my life.

Harley didn't graduate from high school. That's ok. He will be returning and doing better. I feel like a failure though. I feel like I failed as a parent and failed Denny.

All of those feelings and what Scott( loser 2) put me thru and refusing to grieve for D had me go through a little mental breakdown. I spent a week in the hospital and 3 months in intensive counselling. I was diagnosed with depression( DUH) post traumatic stress disorder- due to the way D died and other factors, and anxiety.

Since then I have moved ahead ---notice I didn't say move on ---I'm moving forward with my life.

My best friend and sister from a different mother has set me up with her husbands brother. Let me tell you something, this man is the sweetest man I have met. We talk, laugh and just enjoy each other.

In 9 days (7/2/10) he will be here in Ohio for one week , his vacation but he is also coming to spend it with me. We will really get to know each other better during that time. He makes me feel really good. Makes me feel special. Makes me feel desired. I like that, really like that.

Sami and Shortround are getting married in October. We found a gorgeous dress at the Goodwill. Thanks D for introducing me to that store ions ago, I can't get enough of thrifting.

I started back to school. YES...me in school. I know right ?! LOL
I'm doing good right now I have a B average. Mostly for bullshit...life experience bullshit. I need a degree for that? LOL I will have something to fall back on.

I will be starting with a new company, same job and same juvie jail, in July. Should be interesting to say the least.


I have started purging things I was holding on to . I got rid of the sofa he died on. It wasn't healthy for me to keep it. I know that now. I know he would want me to move ahead with my life and not sit in a funk as I have been or make the rotten descions I made with the men I chose. I know he would like Ken. I do. I really do like him bunches.
I think this one is gonna work. He will be the last man I ever give my heart, soul and self too.

Can't think of anything else to ramble on about right now.

I promise oh lonely blog of mine I will return more often and update you on my life.

All my love to you all~jax

made it thru the year anniversary

i made it thru the year anniversary.

barely.

we had a graduation/memorial party for kenna & denny on the 17th. it was really nice. a ton of food,friends family.

the clouds started to roll in before the 3 pm balloon release. i know it was him , big jackass.

everyone went outside, got the ir balloons ready & a gorgeous majestic single hawk flew over the small crowd.

a little lightning a lot of thunder.

rocketman was playing as we let the balloons go for denny.

it was very cleansing. i cried.

after that it poured. like i said jackass. it was like he was there raining on our little parade. jackass.

disclaimer* jackass is said with all the love in my heart. that was what i called him most of the time.

you see the sun was out for hours beofre the relase, then it rained, then it was gorgeous about an hour later.

jackass.

i'm going to my 25th class reunion in a few weeks. august 8th . should be interesting. i haven't seen nor heard from any of these people since graduation. i thought i was invisible back then. i've been told that's not true.

we may be getting family tattoos in the next few weeks. a friend of mine knows a guy who did beautiful work for her . she's going to put me in touch with him . tattoo party here we come.
i want a celtic moon with stars bracelet, sami wants an ankh on her foot. kenna wants the word daddy with the y shaped into a heart, the boy wants a music melody on his arm. i think the melody will be all of our initials, well except mine there is no j note.



well that is the update for the end of this tumultuous year of ours. a new 365 days is starting.
thank you all for the love & support. i may not say it but i appreciate it all.

~jax

15 days

15 days.

last year at this time i only had you for 15 more days.

not fair.

we were having some great times then. getting so much closer than we already were . it was like i could crawl inside you or you inside me & we would be one.

not fair.

nightmares have started.

i hear a siren i remember vividly the ride in the emt unit. looking back at them doing compressions on you then turning away to vomit.

i see life flight every once in a while as i have a smoke......yea yea i know you hated me smoking i quit for 20 odd years then this shit happens.....come & yell at me then i'll quit again otherwise shut up....

life flight in the early morning hours when i get to work , hear the chopper going over to city hospital all i can think of is someone lost a loved one & maybe they are picking up an organ.

then i vomit.

i can't sleep. i haven't slept in that bed since you died. i can't. i sleep in my chair or on the sofa. the same sofa you died on. i feel closer to you there. then i see you slumped over, making that noise, blue.....

hell denny i miss you.

i hate my life.

i don't think i'll make it through these next few weeks. i really don't.

i need you here to hug me, comfort me, hold me.

but your not. reality shoved that up my ass.

i love you big d .

so it's raining.

harley is going to the ellet community festival with leah.

kenna is already there with doug.

sami & shortround went to moms for dinner.

me?

maybe just maybe i can get somethings done around here without the brats around. i'm tired & my jaw hurts though so i just think i'll flip the laundry , take a shower & chill.

doubt if anything good is on to rot my brain tonite. i do have the first season of beauty & the beast from netflix so maybe vincent will kepp me company tonite.

i called about joining a widows support group. they meet the first wednesday of every month. i won't get to go in june since that will be the day kenna graduates. i am making a point to go in july.

slowly getting over my fear of people. notice i said slowly.


this group isn't a bunch of grey haired fuddy duddies . they're people my age either up or down a few years.

should be interesting.

almost 10 months

sadness is in my heart right now.

may.
next week starts senior week for kenna. a recognition ceremony on monday, senior breakfast tuesday. her 18th birthday on friday.

prom is the 30th.

graduation june 3rd.

only thing missing is you big man.

everyone at work noticed i had been crying today. they knew why.
it wasn't because of my tooth. that's better now that it's gone.

it was because of everything your missing.

mom is keeping close tabs on me. she is so far up my ass she should be able to see out of my own eyes.

i'm on the verge of a breakdown but i'm pretty good at pretending to hold it together.

i just want to crawl in a hole & hide right now.


had a will written up on wednesday. now i'm an official grown up.

you know me i don't ever do anything like i'm supposed to. i march to a different drummer , always have.

after you died now i am doing things that we should have done years ago.

a lady told me today that she doesn't know how i do it. i'm strong & admirable to her.
she told me that if anything like this happened to her , she'd never cope like i have. i told her i have to do what i have to do because no one else can or will.


i'm weak.

i don't feel strong.
i'm on auto pilot. that's all. just existing .

a shell of who you knew me as .

i can't tell people all of this babe because i don't want to be a downer all the time. so i pretend that i'm going along just peachy . when in fact i'm slowly dying inside myself.

my smile? fake.
my tone? fake.
my life? fake.

i miss you.

10 months.

Easter 2009

easter sunday ....4/12/2009.

i went to your moms house today. she almost made me cry. she had a big bowl of colored eggs. i thought of you immediately. i know how much you loved to do that with the kids.

i guess your mom had been crying yesterday & today. she really is missing you. i cry a lot too .

i started taking medicine to help me quit smoking. i was going to give myself until july , to see how i can get through that month. but i'm doing this for you. i need you here like the last time i quit but i know you can't be. at least come into my dreams to let me know that i'll be ok.

mckenna took odie along with us. i'm sure you know that ginger had to be put down, i remember telling you about it on one of my nightly talks to you. well your dad didn't want to be around any animals for w ahile. then one day i took that little shit odie over . he won your dad in a heartbeat.

so today your dad was his old self for a minute. he deviled that poor little dog like you would have, he carried him around, he just took a shine to him.

sis called while we were over there. she told me how sad your mom had been. i guess judy was having a hard time today also.

let me tell you big guy......you are so sorely missed. you touched so many people in your life that everywhere i go someone knows you.

i'm so glad to have had the short time with you that i did. i wasn't finished with you but i knwo we will find eachother again as we have in the past. only next time please don't let me do this again. if it was this hard the last time i do not want to do it the next time.

well sweetheart, i'm going to go watch our sunday ight line up. i try to keep some things the same , you know you can't teach an old dog new tricks LOL.

I love you now & forever,
jacki

6 months

today marks the last time i spoke with him.
the last time i kissed him.
the last time for a lot of things.

i miss you big kong.

just some randomness

random things falling out of my brain.
it's now november. i'm not too fond of spending his first birthday, our 23rd anniversary, thanksgiving without him.

i've been on a rollercoaster of emotions this past week. mainly the downhill part of the ride. i was so ready to kick sami out of the other trailer this weekend. she needs to get off er lazy bum & go to work. i don't understand where i am going wrong with that kid.
i really feel like i'm letting denny down. failure.

harley is driving me crazy wanting to go here or there all the time. he just doesn't get that i am tired all the time. i'm the only one driving his butt everywhere. when i do put my foot down & tell him no then he gets nasty with me. this is when i really miss denny the most. another failure.

kenna doesn't want to stay home either. she runs to jamie's all the time. that girl is mean to kenna but she keeps going back . i don't know if she feels like she needs to be a people pleaser or what. again another failure.

i don't like being alone. it's really not for me. i miss talking to him. like right now we'd be laying in bed watching family guy & just talking about nothing. he would tell me that i'm rambling on & then tease me a bit.
but nope. just me , the t.v. & the computer.

i found out that butch, his brother may be getting re-married. i'm sad but then i understand. nancy passed away in january from brain cancer . his mom told me-yes after 4 months i talked to her- that butch decided he wanted to start living again. i guess he started seeing this woman when denny passed.
they're supposed to come home for thanksgiving.

i have made a vow to myself that i will be celibate & alone until the day i die. i don't ever want anyone again. i would compare them to denny & that wouldn't be fair. i'm spoiled . i was loved & loved so deep & intense that i'll never feel that way again. i am totally commited to denny. i married him for life. my life still goes on without him but i will always love him & never give my heart to anyone else.

sounds selfish? i don't care. he loved me no matter what as i do him. i told him that i would die without him . i'm barely living right now. i'll go on for the kids & for him but thats about it.

well thats all for now.
justjacki

A starry snowy night in 1985

November 27th 1985, snow was falling, it was starry & cold but my heart was warm.


This is the night we eloped.

Back track a bit;

We had gone to W.Va. a week or so earlier to see my aunt Donna to get married. The only thing is we didn't know that it was the same as ohio with the marriage license. We went out with my cousin Tammy & her kids to the mall. Denny & Tammy were plotting something so they had the kids take me to another store.

A half hour later we all met up. Denny had this grin on his face & a box but wouldn't tell me what was in it. We stayed the night at Tammy's then left to come home the next morning. When we got back to the apartment he finally gave me the box. Inside was the most beautiful cream dress, my dress to get married in. I cried . HE loved me so much that he picked out the dress he wanted to see me in when we got married.

On to November 27th. We both worked that day came home got showers then got dressed. He wore this blue suit & looked so damn good in it. I wore the dress he picked out for me.
We stopped over to our friends apartment to show them my dress & let them know we were off to be married.

the snow was falling lighty but the stars were out. It was cold but we didn't feel it. We ended up at the justice of the peace's house. This cute little old man came to the door . We gave him our marriage license & asked him to marry us. He got is cute little wife to be our witness.
they lit a candle then started our small ceremony. Looking into his eyes I said my vows to him tearing up at the same time. Our hands were shaking as we said our vows. He teared up as he told me that he would love me forever.

We kissed , we were married.

We went on to each of our parents homes to let them know we had gotten married. they were ok with it. His mom took a few pictures , I treasure them.
My mom & dad snuck over to our apartment & put a bottle of bubbly in the fridge & flowers on the table.

After we stopped at the parents homes, we went out for a nice dinner at Tangier's ~ a swanly place. we told the waiter that we had just gotten married & they sent us drinks to our table.
We had a nice dinner then went home.

I never had a honeymoon , will never get that honeymoon. BUT every day with him was a honeymoon. We always were together ,never apart. Always touching. Holding hands, a hand on the leg, something. We had spats but never went to bed angry.

This has been the longest time away from him , and more long days to follow. He is here with us in his urn & i wear a charm with some of his hair in it around my neck so he is with me every day.

My heart is broken & aches for him. My spirit is broken & I don't know if I'll ever get it back. i miss him with ever fiber of my being. i hope everynight for him to come to me in a dream to let me know that he's ok. I don't dream anymore.

My life is very different now. I'm an ONLY parent. I'm the head of a household,not willingly.
I replay that nightmarish Sunday in July over & over in my head all the time. I look at pictures & videos just to hear his voice, his unique laugh.

I've lost my best friend, my lover, my soul mate, the other half of who I am. I'm lost & can't find my way out of the deep dark hole that I'm in.

I'll never find love that intense again. I never want to. I had the love of a lifetime. I'm spoiled.
He had all the best qualities a man should have . No one could ever live up top that. I know it wouldn't be fair to compare another person to him but that's what will happen with me. I know how I am.

I'm destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm fine with that. My broken heart will never be mended. I wanted his heart to be in my chest , but the doctors wouldn't do that. I told them that was the only way to fix me. they looked at me sympathetically but had to save anothers life with his gift.
That was my Denny, always giving everything of himself to others. Even at the end. Such a generous man. He is missed & loved by many.

So when November 27th rolls around this year, I hope it snows a little, I hope the stars are out also. I will be melencholy but I will also be happy that we made it 23 years.

For you my love,
jacki

why?

why did you leave me?

wasn't i a good wife? did i do something wrong ? i wish you hadn't died.

i miss you so much it hurts & i'm losing my mind, the kids are falling apart , i don't know what to do anymore denny.

when you were here things got taken care of. you were the tough but loving dad.

now chaos reigns over this dysfunctional family. i just want to crawl in a hole and disappear.

i am so tired of crying everyday.

i am so tired of feeling hopeless.

i am just so tired.
i miss you & love you.

melt down

sunday night 10/12/08 BIG melt down in this new little family.

you see we are trying to adjust since my husband, lifemate, soule mate died in my arms on july 20th 2008.

we've since moved from a big house to 2 trailers homes, lost more than we wanted to.
so anyways back to last night. i have been emotionally drained for the past few weeks so after work i'm exhausted. i didn't feel like cooking. there are so many things in the fridge but the spoiled rotten children of mine decided to throw a hissy fit.
mckenna slammed her door so hard it got stuck shut. that set me off. i am so tired of things getting ruined for stupid shit like little fits.
i ripped the door off the hinges. needless to say she has no more door.
harley my son, started to get loud. in a trailer court that cannot happen. i didn't need the police involved.
i had to call my sister for some assistance. i feel i've lost my authority as a parent.

they don't respect me.

i cut harleys phone off last night until he can learn some respect. i also cut off mckenna's.
losing denny has been hard on all of us but the kids don't understand that i haven't had a chance to grieve for my love. i haven't had a chance to process the whole situation that thrust us into this black as night world. all colors are gone.

tonite i start group therapy for grieving spouses . i'm supposed to learn how to deal. right.
i want a re-do. i want him back.
i actually yelled at him last night screaming why did you leave me? i need you here , i want my old life back.

i've been told that we are given no more than what we can handle.

i'm losing what little sanity i have left. i cannot handle being alone.
i don't like it.
i grew up with him. he is all i know . he took care of me.

i told him if anything ever happened to him i would die without him.

i really feel like that right now.

so i slept until 1 pm today, it's now 2. i need to shower & go get the kids from school.

i'll join this later after group.

thanks.

just jacki