so it's raining.

harley is going to the ellet community festival with leah.

kenna is already there with doug.

sami & shortround went to moms for dinner.

me?

maybe just maybe i can get somethings done around here without the brats around. i'm tired & my jaw hurts though so i just think i'll flip the laundry , take a shower & chill.

doubt if anything good is on to rot my brain tonite. i do have the first season of beauty & the beast from netflix so maybe vincent will kepp me company tonite.

i called about joining a widows support group. they meet the first wednesday of every month. i won't get to go in june since that will be the day kenna graduates. i am making a point to go in july.

slowly getting over my fear of people. notice i said slowly.


this group isn't a bunch of grey haired fuddy duddies . they're people my age either up or down a few years.

should be interesting.

almost 10 months

sadness is in my heart right now.

may.
next week starts senior week for kenna. a recognition ceremony on monday, senior breakfast tuesday. her 18th birthday on friday.

prom is the 30th.

graduation june 3rd.

only thing missing is you big man.

everyone at work noticed i had been crying today. they knew why.
it wasn't because of my tooth. that's better now that it's gone.

it was because of everything your missing.

mom is keeping close tabs on me. she is so far up my ass she should be able to see out of my own eyes.

i'm on the verge of a breakdown but i'm pretty good at pretending to hold it together.

i just want to crawl in a hole & hide right now.


had a will written up on wednesday. now i'm an official grown up.

you know me i don't ever do anything like i'm supposed to. i march to a different drummer , always have.

after you died now i am doing things that we should have done years ago.

a lady told me today that she doesn't know how i do it. i'm strong & admirable to her.
she told me that if anything like this happened to her , she'd never cope like i have. i told her i have to do what i have to do because no one else can or will.


i'm weak.

i don't feel strong.
i'm on auto pilot. that's all. just existing .

a shell of who you knew me as .

i can't tell people all of this babe because i don't want to be a downer all the time. so i pretend that i'm going along just peachy . when in fact i'm slowly dying inside myself.

my smile? fake.
my tone? fake.
my life? fake.

i miss you.

10 months.

Easter 2009

easter sunday ....4/12/2009.

i went to your moms house today. she almost made me cry. she had a big bowl of colored eggs. i thought of you immediately. i know how much you loved to do that with the kids.

i guess your mom had been crying yesterday & today. she really is missing you. i cry a lot too .

i started taking medicine to help me quit smoking. i was going to give myself until july , to see how i can get through that month. but i'm doing this for you. i need you here like the last time i quit but i know you can't be. at least come into my dreams to let me know that i'll be ok.

mckenna took odie along with us. i'm sure you know that ginger had to be put down, i remember telling you about it on one of my nightly talks to you. well your dad didn't want to be around any animals for w ahile. then one day i took that little shit odie over . he won your dad in a heartbeat.

so today your dad was his old self for a minute. he deviled that poor little dog like you would have, he carried him around, he just took a shine to him.

sis called while we were over there. she told me how sad your mom had been. i guess judy was having a hard time today also.

let me tell you big guy......you are so sorely missed. you touched so many people in your life that everywhere i go someone knows you.

i'm so glad to have had the short time with you that i did. i wasn't finished with you but i knwo we will find eachother again as we have in the past. only next time please don't let me do this again. if it was this hard the last time i do not want to do it the next time.

well sweetheart, i'm going to go watch our sunday ight line up. i try to keep some things the same , you know you can't teach an old dog new tricks LOL.

I love you now & forever,
jacki

6 months

today marks the last time i spoke with him.
the last time i kissed him.
the last time for a lot of things.

i miss you big kong.

just some randomness

random things falling out of my brain.
it's now november. i'm not too fond of spending his first birthday, our 23rd anniversary, thanksgiving without him.

i've been on a rollercoaster of emotions this past week. mainly the downhill part of the ride. i was so ready to kick sami out of the other trailer this weekend. she needs to get off er lazy bum & go to work. i don't understand where i am going wrong with that kid.
i really feel like i'm letting denny down. failure.

harley is driving me crazy wanting to go here or there all the time. he just doesn't get that i am tired all the time. i'm the only one driving his butt everywhere. when i do put my foot down & tell him no then he gets nasty with me. this is when i really miss denny the most. another failure.

kenna doesn't want to stay home either. she runs to jamie's all the time. that girl is mean to kenna but she keeps going back . i don't know if she feels like she needs to be a people pleaser or what. again another failure.

i don't like being alone. it's really not for me. i miss talking to him. like right now we'd be laying in bed watching family guy & just talking about nothing. he would tell me that i'm rambling on & then tease me a bit.
but nope. just me , the t.v. & the computer.

i found out that butch, his brother may be getting re-married. i'm sad but then i understand. nancy passed away in january from brain cancer . his mom told me-yes after 4 months i talked to her- that butch decided he wanted to start living again. i guess he started seeing this woman when denny passed.
they're supposed to come home for thanksgiving.

i have made a vow to myself that i will be celibate & alone until the day i die. i don't ever want anyone again. i would compare them to denny & that wouldn't be fair. i'm spoiled . i was loved & loved so deep & intense that i'll never feel that way again. i am totally commited to denny. i married him for life. my life still goes on without him but i will always love him & never give my heart to anyone else.

sounds selfish? i don't care. he loved me no matter what as i do him. i told him that i would die without him . i'm barely living right now. i'll go on for the kids & for him but thats about it.

well thats all for now.
justjacki

A starry snowy night in 1985

November 27th 1985, snow was falling, it was starry & cold but my heart was warm.


This is the night we eloped.

Back track a bit;

We had gone to W.Va. a week or so earlier to see my aunt Donna to get married. The only thing is we didn't know that it was the same as ohio with the marriage license. We went out with my cousin Tammy & her kids to the mall. Denny & Tammy were plotting something so they had the kids take me to another store.

A half hour later we all met up. Denny had this grin on his face & a box but wouldn't tell me what was in it. We stayed the night at Tammy's then left to come home the next morning. When we got back to the apartment he finally gave me the box. Inside was the most beautiful cream dress, my dress to get married in. I cried . HE loved me so much that he picked out the dress he wanted to see me in when we got married.

On to November 27th. We both worked that day came home got showers then got dressed. He wore this blue suit & looked so damn good in it. I wore the dress he picked out for me.
We stopped over to our friends apartment to show them my dress & let them know we were off to be married.

the snow was falling lighty but the stars were out. It was cold but we didn't feel it. We ended up at the justice of the peace's house. This cute little old man came to the door . We gave him our marriage license & asked him to marry us. He got is cute little wife to be our witness.
they lit a candle then started our small ceremony. Looking into his eyes I said my vows to him tearing up at the same time. Our hands were shaking as we said our vows. He teared up as he told me that he would love me forever.

We kissed , we were married.

We went on to each of our parents homes to let them know we had gotten married. they were ok with it. His mom took a few pictures , I treasure them.
My mom & dad snuck over to our apartment & put a bottle of bubbly in the fridge & flowers on the table.

After we stopped at the parents homes, we went out for a nice dinner at Tangier's ~ a swanly place. we told the waiter that we had just gotten married & they sent us drinks to our table.
We had a nice dinner then went home.

I never had a honeymoon , will never get that honeymoon. BUT every day with him was a honeymoon. We always were together ,never apart. Always touching. Holding hands, a hand on the leg, something. We had spats but never went to bed angry.

This has been the longest time away from him , and more long days to follow. He is here with us in his urn & i wear a charm with some of his hair in it around my neck so he is with me every day.

My heart is broken & aches for him. My spirit is broken & I don't know if I'll ever get it back. i miss him with ever fiber of my being. i hope everynight for him to come to me in a dream to let me know that he's ok. I don't dream anymore.

My life is very different now. I'm an ONLY parent. I'm the head of a household,not willingly.
I replay that nightmarish Sunday in July over & over in my head all the time. I look at pictures & videos just to hear his voice, his unique laugh.

I've lost my best friend, my lover, my soul mate, the other half of who I am. I'm lost & can't find my way out of the deep dark hole that I'm in.

I'll never find love that intense again. I never want to. I had the love of a lifetime. I'm spoiled.
He had all the best qualities a man should have . No one could ever live up top that. I know it wouldn't be fair to compare another person to him but that's what will happen with me. I know how I am.

I'm destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm fine with that. My broken heart will never be mended. I wanted his heart to be in my chest , but the doctors wouldn't do that. I told them that was the only way to fix me. they looked at me sympathetically but had to save anothers life with his gift.
That was my Denny, always giving everything of himself to others. Even at the end. Such a generous man. He is missed & loved by many.

So when November 27th rolls around this year, I hope it snows a little, I hope the stars are out also. I will be melencholy but I will also be happy that we made it 23 years.

For you my love,
jacki

why?

why did you leave me?

wasn't i a good wife? did i do something wrong ? i wish you hadn't died.

i miss you so much it hurts & i'm losing my mind, the kids are falling apart , i don't know what to do anymore denny.

when you were here things got taken care of. you were the tough but loving dad.

now chaos reigns over this dysfunctional family. i just want to crawl in a hole and disappear.

i am so tired of crying everyday.

i am so tired of feeling hopeless.

i am just so tired.
i miss you & love you.