random things falling out of my brain.
it's now november. i'm not too fond of spending his first birthday, our 23rd anniversary, thanksgiving without him.
i've been on a rollercoaster of emotions this past week. mainly the downhill part of the ride. i was so ready to kick sami out of the other trailer this weekend. she needs to get off er lazy bum & go to work. i don't understand where i am going wrong with that kid.
i really feel like i'm letting denny down. failure.
harley is driving me crazy wanting to go here or there all the time. he just doesn't get that i am tired all the time. i'm the only one driving his butt everywhere. when i do put my foot down & tell him no then he gets nasty with me. this is when i really miss denny the most. another failure.
kenna doesn't want to stay home either. she runs to jamie's all the time. that girl is mean to kenna but she keeps going back . i don't know if she feels like she needs to be a people pleaser or what. again another failure.
i don't like being alone. it's really not for me. i miss talking to him. like right now we'd be laying in bed watching family guy & just talking about nothing. he would tell me that i'm rambling on & then tease me a bit.
but nope. just me , the t.v. & the computer.
i found out that butch, his brother may be getting re-married. i'm sad but then i understand. nancy passed away in january from brain cancer . his mom told me-yes after 4 months i talked to her- that butch decided he wanted to start living again. i guess he started seeing this woman when denny passed.
they're supposed to come home for thanksgiving.
i have made a vow to myself that i will be celibate & alone until the day i die. i don't ever want anyone again. i would compare them to denny & that wouldn't be fair. i'm spoiled . i was loved & loved so deep & intense that i'll never feel that way again. i am totally commited to denny. i married him for life. my life still goes on without him but i will always love him & never give my heart to anyone else.
sounds selfish? i don't care. he loved me no matter what as i do him. i told him that i would die without him . i'm barely living right now. i'll go on for the kids & for him but thats about it.
well thats all for now.
justjacki
