made it thru the year anniversary

i made it thru the year anniversary.

barely.

we had a graduation/memorial party for kenna & denny on the 17th. it was really nice. a ton of food,friends family.

the clouds started to roll in before the 3 pm balloon release. i know it was him , big jackass.

everyone went outside, got the ir balloons ready & a gorgeous majestic single hawk flew over the small crowd.

a little lightning a lot of thunder.

rocketman was playing as we let the balloons go for denny.

it was very cleansing. i cried.

after that it poured. like i said jackass. it was like he was there raining on our little parade. jackass.

disclaimer* jackass is said with all the love in my heart. that was what i called him most of the time.

you see the sun was out for hours beofre the relase, then it rained, then it was gorgeous about an hour later.

jackass.

i'm going to my 25th class reunion in a few weeks. august 8th . should be interesting. i haven't seen nor heard from any of these people since graduation. i thought i was invisible back then. i've been told that's not true.

we may be getting family tattoos in the next few weeks. a friend of mine knows a guy who did beautiful work for her . she's going to put me in touch with him . tattoo party here we come.
i want a celtic moon with stars bracelet, sami wants an ankh on her foot. kenna wants the word daddy with the y shaped into a heart, the boy wants a music melody on his arm. i think the melody will be all of our initials, well except mine there is no j note.



well that is the update for the end of this tumultuous year of ours. a new 365 days is starting.
thank you all for the love & support. i may not say it but i appreciate it all.

~jax

15 days

15 days.

last year at this time i only had you for 15 more days.

not fair.

we were having some great times then. getting so much closer than we already were . it was like i could crawl inside you or you inside me & we would be one.

not fair.

nightmares have started.

i hear a siren i remember vividly the ride in the emt unit. looking back at them doing compressions on you then turning away to vomit.

i see life flight every once in a while as i have a smoke......yea yea i know you hated me smoking i quit for 20 odd years then this shit happens.....come & yell at me then i'll quit again otherwise shut up....

life flight in the early morning hours when i get to work , hear the chopper going over to city hospital all i can think of is someone lost a loved one & maybe they are picking up an organ.

then i vomit.

i can't sleep. i haven't slept in that bed since you died. i can't. i sleep in my chair or on the sofa. the same sofa you died on. i feel closer to you there. then i see you slumped over, making that noise, blue.....

hell denny i miss you.

i hate my life.

i don't think i'll make it through these next few weeks. i really don't.

i need you here to hug me, comfort me, hold me.

but your not. reality shoved that up my ass.

i love you big d .