random things falling out of my brain.
it's now november. i'm not too fond of spending his first birthday, our 23rd anniversary, thanksgiving without him.
i've been on a rollercoaster of emotions this past week. mainly the downhill part of the ride. i was so ready to kick sami out of the other trailer this weekend. she needs to get off er lazy bum & go to work. i don't understand where i am going wrong with that kid.
i really feel like i'm letting denny down. failure.
harley is driving me crazy wanting to go here or there all the time. he just doesn't get that i am tired all the time. i'm the only one driving his butt everywhere. when i do put my foot down & tell him no then he gets nasty with me. this is when i really miss denny the most. another failure.
kenna doesn't want to stay home either. she runs to jamie's all the time. that girl is mean to kenna but she keeps going back . i don't know if she feels like she needs to be a people pleaser or what. again another failure.
i don't like being alone. it's really not for me. i miss talking to him. like right now we'd be laying in bed watching family guy & just talking about nothing. he would tell me that i'm rambling on & then tease me a bit.
but nope. just me , the t.v. & the computer.
i found out that butch, his brother may be getting re-married. i'm sad but then i understand. nancy passed away in january from brain cancer . his mom told me-yes after 4 months i talked to her- that butch decided he wanted to start living again. i guess he started seeing this woman when denny passed.
they're supposed to come home for thanksgiving.
i have made a vow to myself that i will be celibate & alone until the day i die. i don't ever want anyone again. i would compare them to denny & that wouldn't be fair. i'm spoiled . i was loved & loved so deep & intense that i'll never feel that way again. i am totally commited to denny. i married him for life. my life still goes on without him but i will always love him & never give my heart to anyone else.
sounds selfish? i don't care. he loved me no matter what as i do him. i told him that i would die without him . i'm barely living right now. i'll go on for the kids & for him but thats about it.
well thats all for now.
justjacki
Monday, November 10, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
A starry snowy night in 1985
November 27th 1985, snow was falling, it was starry & cold but my heart was warm.
This is the night we eloped.
Back track a bit;
We had gone to W.Va. a week or so earlier to see my aunt Donna to get married. The only thing is we didn't know that it was the same as ohio with the marriage license. We went out with my cousin Tammy & her kids to the mall. Denny & Tammy were plotting something so they had the kids take me to another store.
A half hour later we all met up. Denny had this grin on his face & a box but wouldn't tell me what was in it. We stayed the night at Tammy's then left to come home the next morning. When we got back to the apartment he finally gave me the box. Inside was the most beautiful cream dress, my dress to get married in. I cried . HE loved me so much that he picked out the dress he wanted to see me in when we got married.
On to November 27th. We both worked that day came home got showers then got dressed. He wore this blue suit & looked so damn good in it. I wore the dress he picked out for me.
We stopped over to our friends apartment to show them my dress & let them know we were off to be married.
the snow was falling lighty but the stars were out. It was cold but we didn't feel it. We ended up at the justice of the peace's house. This cute little old man came to the door . We gave him our marriage license & asked him to marry us. He got is cute little wife to be our witness.
they lit a candle then started our small ceremony. Looking into his eyes I said my vows to him tearing up at the same time. Our hands were shaking as we said our vows. He teared up as he told me that he would love me forever.
We kissed , we were married.
We went on to each of our parents homes to let them know we had gotten married. they were ok with it. His mom took a few pictures , I treasure them.
My mom & dad snuck over to our apartment & put a bottle of bubbly in the fridge & flowers on the table.
After we stopped at the parents homes, we went out for a nice dinner at Tangier's ~ a swanly place. we told the waiter that we had just gotten married & they sent us drinks to our table.
We had a nice dinner then went home.
I never had a honeymoon , will never get that honeymoon. BUT every day with him was a honeymoon. We always were together ,never apart. Always touching. Holding hands, a hand on the leg, something. We had spats but never went to bed angry.
This has been the longest time away from him , and more long days to follow. He is here with us in his urn & i wear a charm with some of his hair in it around my neck so he is with me every day.
My heart is broken & aches for him. My spirit is broken & I don't know if I'll ever get it back. i miss him with ever fiber of my being. i hope everynight for him to come to me in a dream to let me know that he's ok. I don't dream anymore.
My life is very different now. I'm an ONLY parent. I'm the head of a household,not willingly.
I replay that nightmarish Sunday in July over & over in my head all the time. I look at pictures & videos just to hear his voice, his unique laugh.
I've lost my best friend, my lover, my soul mate, the other half of who I am. I'm lost & can't find my way out of the deep dark hole that I'm in.
I'll never find love that intense again. I never want to. I had the love of a lifetime. I'm spoiled.
He had all the best qualities a man should have . No one could ever live up top that. I know it wouldn't be fair to compare another person to him but that's what will happen with me. I know how I am.
I'm destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm fine with that. My broken heart will never be mended. I wanted his heart to be in my chest , but the doctors wouldn't do that. I told them that was the only way to fix me. they looked at me sympathetically but had to save anothers life with his gift.
That was my Denny, always giving everything of himself to others. Even at the end. Such a generous man. He is missed & loved by many.
So when November 27th rolls around this year, I hope it snows a little, I hope the stars are out also. I will be melencholy but I will also be happy that we made it 23 years.
For you my love,
jacki
This is the night we eloped.
Back track a bit;
We had gone to W.Va. a week or so earlier to see my aunt Donna to get married. The only thing is we didn't know that it was the same as ohio with the marriage license. We went out with my cousin Tammy & her kids to the mall. Denny & Tammy were plotting something so they had the kids take me to another store.
A half hour later we all met up. Denny had this grin on his face & a box but wouldn't tell me what was in it. We stayed the night at Tammy's then left to come home the next morning. When we got back to the apartment he finally gave me the box. Inside was the most beautiful cream dress, my dress to get married in. I cried . HE loved me so much that he picked out the dress he wanted to see me in when we got married.
On to November 27th. We both worked that day came home got showers then got dressed. He wore this blue suit & looked so damn good in it. I wore the dress he picked out for me.
We stopped over to our friends apartment to show them my dress & let them know we were off to be married.
the snow was falling lighty but the stars were out. It was cold but we didn't feel it. We ended up at the justice of the peace's house. This cute little old man came to the door . We gave him our marriage license & asked him to marry us. He got is cute little wife to be our witness.
they lit a candle then started our small ceremony. Looking into his eyes I said my vows to him tearing up at the same time. Our hands were shaking as we said our vows. He teared up as he told me that he would love me forever.
We kissed , we were married.
We went on to each of our parents homes to let them know we had gotten married. they were ok with it. His mom took a few pictures , I treasure them.
My mom & dad snuck over to our apartment & put a bottle of bubbly in the fridge & flowers on the table.
After we stopped at the parents homes, we went out for a nice dinner at Tangier's ~ a swanly place. we told the waiter that we had just gotten married & they sent us drinks to our table.
We had a nice dinner then went home.
I never had a honeymoon , will never get that honeymoon. BUT every day with him was a honeymoon. We always were together ,never apart. Always touching. Holding hands, a hand on the leg, something. We had spats but never went to bed angry.
This has been the longest time away from him , and more long days to follow. He is here with us in his urn & i wear a charm with some of his hair in it around my neck so he is with me every day.
My heart is broken & aches for him. My spirit is broken & I don't know if I'll ever get it back. i miss him with ever fiber of my being. i hope everynight for him to come to me in a dream to let me know that he's ok. I don't dream anymore.
My life is very different now. I'm an ONLY parent. I'm the head of a household,not willingly.
I replay that nightmarish Sunday in July over & over in my head all the time. I look at pictures & videos just to hear his voice, his unique laugh.
I've lost my best friend, my lover, my soul mate, the other half of who I am. I'm lost & can't find my way out of the deep dark hole that I'm in.
I'll never find love that intense again. I never want to. I had the love of a lifetime. I'm spoiled.
He had all the best qualities a man should have . No one could ever live up top that. I know it wouldn't be fair to compare another person to him but that's what will happen with me. I know how I am.
I'm destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm fine with that. My broken heart will never be mended. I wanted his heart to be in my chest , but the doctors wouldn't do that. I told them that was the only way to fix me. they looked at me sympathetically but had to save anothers life with his gift.
That was my Denny, always giving everything of himself to others. Even at the end. Such a generous man. He is missed & loved by many.
So when November 27th rolls around this year, I hope it snows a little, I hope the stars are out also. I will be melencholy but I will also be happy that we made it 23 years.
For you my love,
jacki
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
why?
why did you leave me?
wasn't i a good wife? did i do something wrong ? i wish you hadn't died.
i miss you so much it hurts & i'm losing my mind, the kids are falling apart , i don't know what to do anymore denny.
when you were here things got taken care of. you were the tough but loving dad.
now chaos reigns over this dysfunctional family. i just want to crawl in a hole and disappear.
i am so tired of crying everyday.
i am so tired of feeling hopeless.
i am just so tired.
i miss you & love you.
wasn't i a good wife? did i do something wrong ? i wish you hadn't died.
i miss you so much it hurts & i'm losing my mind, the kids are falling apart , i don't know what to do anymore denny.
when you were here things got taken care of. you were the tough but loving dad.
now chaos reigns over this dysfunctional family. i just want to crawl in a hole and disappear.
i am so tired of crying everyday.
i am so tired of feeling hopeless.
i am just so tired.
i miss you & love you.
Monday, October 13, 2008
melt down
sunday night 10/12/08 BIG melt down in this new little family.
you see we are trying to adjust since my husband, lifemate, soule mate died in my arms on july 20th 2008.
we've since moved from a big house to 2 trailers homes, lost more than we wanted to.
so anyways back to last night. i have been emotionally drained for the past few weeks so after work i'm exhausted. i didn't feel like cooking. there are so many things in the fridge but the spoiled rotten children of mine decided to throw a hissy fit.
mckenna slammed her door so hard it got stuck shut. that set me off. i am so tired of things getting ruined for stupid shit like little fits.
i ripped the door off the hinges. needless to say she has no more door.
harley my son, started to get loud. in a trailer court that cannot happen. i didn't need the police involved.
i had to call my sister for some assistance. i feel i've lost my authority as a parent.
they don't respect me.
i cut harleys phone off last night until he can learn some respect. i also cut off mckenna's.
losing denny has been hard on all of us but the kids don't understand that i haven't had a chance to grieve for my love. i haven't had a chance to process the whole situation that thrust us into this black as night world. all colors are gone.
tonite i start group therapy for grieving spouses . i'm supposed to learn how to deal. right.
i want a re-do. i want him back.
i actually yelled at him last night screaming why did you leave me? i need you here , i want my old life back.
i've been told that we are given no more than what we can handle.
i'm losing what little sanity i have left. i cannot handle being alone.
i don't like it.
i grew up with him. he is all i know . he took care of me.
i told him if anything ever happened to him i would die without him.
i really feel like that right now.
so i slept until 1 pm today, it's now 2. i need to shower & go get the kids from school.
i'll join this later after group.
thanks.
just jacki
you see we are trying to adjust since my husband, lifemate, soule mate died in my arms on july 20th 2008.
we've since moved from a big house to 2 trailers homes, lost more than we wanted to.
so anyways back to last night. i have been emotionally drained for the past few weeks so after work i'm exhausted. i didn't feel like cooking. there are so many things in the fridge but the spoiled rotten children of mine decided to throw a hissy fit.
mckenna slammed her door so hard it got stuck shut. that set me off. i am so tired of things getting ruined for stupid shit like little fits.
i ripped the door off the hinges. needless to say she has no more door.
harley my son, started to get loud. in a trailer court that cannot happen. i didn't need the police involved.
i had to call my sister for some assistance. i feel i've lost my authority as a parent.
they don't respect me.
i cut harleys phone off last night until he can learn some respect. i also cut off mckenna's.
losing denny has been hard on all of us but the kids don't understand that i haven't had a chance to grieve for my love. i haven't had a chance to process the whole situation that thrust us into this black as night world. all colors are gone.
tonite i start group therapy for grieving spouses . i'm supposed to learn how to deal. right.
i want a re-do. i want him back.
i actually yelled at him last night screaming why did you leave me? i need you here , i want my old life back.
i've been told that we are given no more than what we can handle.
i'm losing what little sanity i have left. i cannot handle being alone.
i don't like it.
i grew up with him. he is all i know . he took care of me.
i told him if anything ever happened to him i would die without him.
i really feel like that right now.
so i slept until 1 pm today, it's now 2. i need to shower & go get the kids from school.
i'll join this later after group.
thanks.
just jacki
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