melt down

sunday night 10/12/08 BIG melt down in this new little family.

you see we are trying to adjust since my husband, lifemate, soule mate died in my arms on july 20th 2008.

we've since moved from a big house to 2 trailers homes, lost more than we wanted to.
so anyways back to last night. i have been emotionally drained for the past few weeks so after work i'm exhausted. i didn't feel like cooking. there are so many things in the fridge but the spoiled rotten children of mine decided to throw a hissy fit.
mckenna slammed her door so hard it got stuck shut. that set me off. i am so tired of things getting ruined for stupid shit like little fits.
i ripped the door off the hinges. needless to say she has no more door.
harley my son, started to get loud. in a trailer court that cannot happen. i didn't need the police involved.
i had to call my sister for some assistance. i feel i've lost my authority as a parent.

they don't respect me.

i cut harleys phone off last night until he can learn some respect. i also cut off mckenna's.
losing denny has been hard on all of us but the kids don't understand that i haven't had a chance to grieve for my love. i haven't had a chance to process the whole situation that thrust us into this black as night world. all colors are gone.

tonite i start group therapy for grieving spouses . i'm supposed to learn how to deal. right.
i want a re-do. i want him back.
i actually yelled at him last night screaming why did you leave me? i need you here , i want my old life back.

i've been told that we are given no more than what we can handle.

i'm losing what little sanity i have left. i cannot handle being alone.
i don't like it.
i grew up with him. he is all i know . he took care of me.

i told him if anything ever happened to him i would die without him.

i really feel like that right now.

so i slept until 1 pm today, it's now 2. i need to shower & go get the kids from school.

i'll join this later after group.

thanks.

just jacki