almost 10 months

sadness is in my heart right now.

may.
next week starts senior week for kenna. a recognition ceremony on monday, senior breakfast tuesday. her 18th birthday on friday.

prom is the 30th.

graduation june 3rd.

only thing missing is you big man.

everyone at work noticed i had been crying today. they knew why.
it wasn't because of my tooth. that's better now that it's gone.

it was because of everything your missing.

mom is keeping close tabs on me. she is so far up my ass she should be able to see out of my own eyes.

i'm on the verge of a breakdown but i'm pretty good at pretending to hold it together.

i just want to crawl in a hole & hide right now.


had a will written up on wednesday. now i'm an official grown up.

you know me i don't ever do anything like i'm supposed to. i march to a different drummer , always have.

after you died now i am doing things that we should have done years ago.

a lady told me today that she doesn't know how i do it. i'm strong & admirable to her.
she told me that if anything like this happened to her , she'd never cope like i have. i told her i have to do what i have to do because no one else can or will.


i'm weak.

i don't feel strong.
i'm on auto pilot. that's all. just existing .

a shell of who you knew me as .

i can't tell people all of this babe because i don't want to be a downer all the time. so i pretend that i'm going along just peachy . when in fact i'm slowly dying inside myself.

my smile? fake.
my tone? fake.
my life? fake.

i miss you.

10 months.